DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a seemingly desperate attempt to win over the minority vote, Vice President Al Gore has announced his plan to appoint rap superstar Darkman X, better known as DMX, to his cabinet in a new position Gore calls, “Dawg of da State.”

WILMINGTON, WY – After years of searching and mass speculation centering around extraterrestrial visitors to earth, a race of alien beings has revealed themselves for the first time at the Wilmington Ramada Inn.