DENVER, CO – A lifetime of silliness was validated last week when local man Christopher Meens finally appeared on the Jumbotron during a Colorado Avalanche hockey game.

UPLAND, CA -In what doctors are reporting as a medical breakthrough, 15-year-old Rachelle Bremerton has said a complete sentence for the first time in three years.

WASHINGTON, DC – American families have unanimously agreed to ignore the last couple months and just enjoy a quiet thanksgiving dinner.

AUSTIN, TX – Summer will be extended three months and Winter will be phased out over the next couple years according to a recent announcement from Mother Nature.

CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.

OMAHA, NE – Staring out the window of his home, seven-year-old Billy Tanner, sits silently, sipping his strawberry lemonade thinking about how good things used to be, back when things were simpler.

NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to appeal to both women and Hispanic voters, Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump, told a room full of supporters and reporters he would consider marrying “an ok looking Mexican broad.”

“I like broads. And they like me,” said Trump during the campaign stop in Evansville, IN. “I know some women that have said they like me a lot. And those, whatyoucall’em… Mexicans? Yeah, they like me too. I’m huge with them.”

RAPID CITY, SD – During a press conference at the Ramada Inn and Suites, God clarified some misconceptions about his involvement in recent accidents and recoveries.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Duke University student, Tyson Whitman, has expressed his disappointment and frustration that the Duke University basketball team failed to win the NCAA Basketball Championship, thus eliminating any chance Whitman had a participating an associated riot.

Duke University won the NCAA Basketball Championship in 2015, spurring Whitman to enroll at the university.

MANCHESTER, NH –William “Dow” Jones announced that he is coming out of a month’s long depression and plans to “get really, really high” soon.