RENO, NV – A presentation about water conservation was delivered awkwardly to local business owners.

MEMPHIS, TN – As tensions between police officers and civilians rise across the country, the National Association of Police Organizations (NAPO) is recommending that police officers begin shooting more white people.

“A lot of the tension is racially based, with the perception that police officers shoot minorities more often than white people,” said NAPO spokesman Eddie O’Reilly.

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Friends said they were shocked and saddened when they discovered a Budweiser beer in the refrigerator of Cammie Wenshaw, indicating a new and likely bad relationship.

RENO, NV – For the 1,093rd year in a row Jesus Christ has not received a birthday gift or a call on his birthday from his father.

WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.

“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Local Finance Manager Johnathan Nichols says he doesn’t understand why it seems so many minorities are untrusting of police officers.

PORTLAND, OREGON  A massage therapist that works in the downtown area thinks that everyone should be gluten, sugar, egg, soy, fat and dairy free primarily because he is sick of people farting during sessions.

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican members of congress have condemned a science project from 4th grader Jakob Bistrup that hypothesizes too much heat and not enough water can kill plants.

“(Bistrup’s science project) is just another example of junk science that democrats are trying to convince us all that it’s true so they can shut down all our cars and coal factories,” said Republican Senator, Ron Nillwest of Iowa.

BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.

WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”

“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.