WASHINGTON, DC – In order to help alleviate the National debt and pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush has singed a law allowing for advertising space to be made available on U.S. currency and on the U.S. flag.
“I believe, that we, as Americans, should be able to advertise our wears, anywhere we want,” said Bush. “Plus, it will help bring in some funds that we can then turn around and use to make this a safer world – by destroying the places that need to be destroyed. These wars come with a hefty price tag. A price tag I won’t pass on to the rich people of this country. Advertising is going to give us that opportunity. It’s only natural that the government would look into this. Everyone likes advertising.”
Advertising space on the currency will be available later this Summer and will allow companies to use the entire coin or bill, both sides, to advertise.
“Allowing advertising on our money is really no different than casinos do with their poker chips,” said U.S. Department of the Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. “A lot of good things will come from this and really, it’s the American way to sell everything. Nothing is sacred here, never has been. It was just a matter of time really. By selling advertising space on our money we will bring in a lot of cash that this government needs to operate. And believe me, we will make a lot of money. Seriously, Lionsgate Films has ponied up $5 million to push the new Rambo movie on the $20 bill. (The Rambo $20) will be pretty cool too. It’s going to show Stallone killing a bunch of dirty Asians. You’ll see those next Spring.”
The first company to pay for advertising on currency is Geico insurance. The company will feature its gecko spokesman on the five dollar bill and its caveman character on the quarter.
The move to allow advertising space on currency, and especially the US flag, is a controversial one but passed both houses of Congress with only a total of 15 votes against.
“The folks on Capital hill love one thing more than anything else on this Earth – money,” said White House spokesman Tony Snow. “By bringing in more money, without raising taxes, Senators and Representatives have more money to spend on their own pet projects within their respective states… or buy that new yacht they’ve had their eye on. Whatever. I’m not here to judge.”
Outrage from the American public has been much greater with historians calling the advertising “deplorable.”
“When I first heard about it, I though it was a joke. But it’s not. It’s real,” said Glen Framer, University of Chicago. “I don’t want to see a five (dollar bill) with a lizard on it. I want one of our greatest Presidents, Lincoln on there. I want something to be proud of represented on our money. Not a fuckin’ company mascot.”
Before the new money is disseminated to the public, Paulson says there are some logistic issues that need to be resolved.
“How to pull the money out of circulation quickly is one of the biggest issues,” said Paulson. “We don’t want any of these companies getting free advertising with the money still out there after the contract has expired. We may also have to get new printing machines for the paper money and that will cost about $56 billion. Word on the street is that all the veterans programs will get the ax so we can get these machines.”