PORTLAND, OR – Friends of local man, Jerod Greemes, are getting sick of hearing about how he doesn’t own, need or want a car.

LEXINGTON, SC – The people of Lexington were not surprised at all with the tragedy that occurred earlier this week. The tragic events, which left the nation stunned, had little impact on the residents of the community.

“Yeah, no, I wasn’t surprised by it at all, said Lexington resident Jasper Kneeper.

NEW YORK, NY – In order to expedite reporting in the internet age, the Associated Press has approved and released templates to be used for reoccurring stories.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Travel agencies in the Philadelphia metropolitan area have begun offering Facebook vacation packages that give customers the opportunity to experience new and exciting things while still at home but not connected to Facebook in any way.

“Over the last couple years we’ve heard a lot of customers mention how they wish they could just take a vacation away from Facebook,” said travel agent Gloria Lagger.

FARGO, ND – Local man, Jesse Wright, is still listening to music by the band Linkin Park despite the fact that it is the year 2013.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Almost 30 years after the release of Crack Cocaine, the Central Intelligence Agency is releasing an updated, diet version of the popular drug.

According to a spokesman at the CIA, the new diet Crack cocaine will be marketed under the name DCrack and will follow a similar marketing strategy as the current Crack, which will now be marketed as Original Crack.

WAYNESVILLE, IN – Local high school student, Roy Garfield, told his family that after graduation he will not be going to college in the fall and that he plans on just “taking a year off and just relaxing.”

GREEN BAY, WI – A local woman told coworkers that she is lucky to be alive as she had considered running a marathon and that marathon could have been the marathon in Boston that suffered a terrorist attack.

BOISE, ID – A local college student is wondering why the acid he took earlier hasn’t kicked in yet.

“I’m starting to kinda freak out about it, you know?” said Blake Harper.

GREENSBORO, NC – Several attendees of a recent birthday party were left wondering if the man standing over by the hall closet was racist.