NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”

LOS ANGELES, CA –Rich, white men from across the country say they are getting sick and tired of being exposed as racists.

“I’m sick and damn tired of people finding out that I’m a racist! I can’t even use the ‘N’ word in the privacy of my own house anymore,” said millionaire Roderick Bennington. “What good is having all of this money if you can’t undermine and subjugate those you perceive as being less than you?”