GREEN BAY, WI – A local woman told coworkers that she is lucky to be alive as she had considered running a marathon and that marathon could have been the marathon in Boston that suffered a terrorist attack.

BOISE, ID – A local college student is wondering why the acid he took earlier hasn’t kicked in yet.

“I’m starting to kinda freak out about it, you know?” said Blake Harper.

FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.

CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

WOODSTOCK, NY – Local Hippies are no longer able to remain unaware of the current geopolitical climate and have begun to give up on peace.

Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.

TULSA, OK – In preparation for the 2016 Olympics, local Walt Brerger has declared that he will be moving to Greenland to complete for the country in the beach volleyball event.

CASPER, WY – A local man told friends and family this week that he is ready to get serious about his bucket list.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.