CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Fall settling over North America, television networks have begun rolling out their Fall lineups, offering new shows and reboots of past shows.

TAMPA, FL –Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney said Thursday that the real reason he has not released his past tax information is because his tax records contain the Anti-Life Equation.

“Believe me, I want to release the information, but if I were to do so, that would pretty much mean the end of life as we know it,” Romney said.

TULSA, OK – In preparation for the 2016 Olympics, local Walt Brerger has declared that he will be moving to Greenland to complete for the country in the beach volleyball event.

ATLNATA, GA – People across the country remain confused and unsure how to feel about the recent flooding in the south east as no celebrity has commented publicly on the event.

“I, I just don’t know what to think. I just saw the news and it looks really bad and stuff but what does George Clooney think about it?” said Iowa resident and occasional news reader, Glenda Herman.

WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week temporal scientists announced some good news and some bad news today regarding time travel.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – As the blood shed continues in Syria, experts on Middle East politics have begun to identify a number of possible reasons for the escalation in violence.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – The much anticipated and celebrated 500th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

WASHINGTON, DC – As the Republican Party struggles to identify a viable presidential candidate, party leaders have summoned the Council of Nine.

The Council of Nine, an ancient and powerful order of Republican leaders, will now convene to pick, or if need be, conjure, a new Presidential candidate.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Republican strategist Gabriel Henderson.

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite knowing very little about North Korea, foreign policy experts think that the people of North Korea are probably sad at the passing of Kim Jong-il.