WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Democratic National Committee (DNC) leaders are scheduling urgent meetings to discuss how to get people to vote for candidates that the DNC wants them to vote for in the upcoming primaries instead of the candidates that the voter’s actually prefer.

OMAHA, NB – A local man has spent the last several hours trying, with limited success, to explain to his friend why listening to music on a vinyl record is better than streaming online.

AUSTIN, TX –Despite numerous reminders of its existence, friends of local man Cameron Gluick have still not listened to Gluick’spodcast.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump was seen passing notes stating “will u go 2 war with me?” to other world leaders during a recent global economic summit.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A local music blogger has been forced to rewrite his “best of the decade” article after several of his readers responded that they agreed with his list.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump required assistance this week after getting his tongue stuck to a metal pole in the White House rose garden.

GLENDALE, AZ – After being visited by three ghosts, local businessman Walter Bandict, has announced that he will no longer offer his employees paid time off and medical benefits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has given cabinet members and White House staff his “Christmas list” in the form of Sears catalogs with a number of circled items.

HELL – In an effort to increase its public perception, Hell has begun offering social media influencers incentives for promoting Hell.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Fast food chain KFC has announced plans to release a new beverage cup made from fried chicken.