Hell Offering Incentives to Social Media Influencers
Published October 2019 0 Comments | Share:
An Instagram influencer poses above a lake of fire in Hell.
HELL – In an effort to increase its public perception, Hell has begun offering social media influencers incentives for promoting Hell.
“Social media influencers offer Hell a great opportunity to help people realize that Hell is a great place to be. Hell is fun and cool and everyone should look forward to coming here,” said Hell Marketing Director, Herbert DiMonti. “We’ve lined up one of the Kardasians, honestly, I don’t know which one, and I don’t really even care, but we’ve lined up one of them to post about Hell 31 times over the next couple weeks so this is very much a plan in motion.”
Hell is offering influencers free accommodations, free tours of Hell, free personalized torment, and access to a previously off limits circle of Hell for selfies.
“Influencers with over a million followers will get a great number of perks when they come and visit Hell – even if they don’t stay… yet,” said Hell President, Satan. “For influencers with less followers we’ll obviously offer fewer of those perks but we are open to negotiations. Here in Hell we are always willing to make a deal, muwah-ha-ha-ha. Did that sound menacing? I’m trying not to laugh menacing but I’m not sure how successful I am at it. What do you think? Needs work still? Anyway, we are really trying to get the word out there that these days, Hell is the better option.”
Satan announced the new influencer-friendly deals and programs via his own Instagram account.
“I posted a photo of me looking back over my shoulder on the edge of a cliff that overlooks the lake of bile and I posted a comment that said something like ‘so blessed to be offering these wonderful deals of this beautiful hell landscape’ with the hashtags of blessed, sograteful, thisismylife, loveyourself and I think eternalsuffering,” said Satan. “I’m not really good with the whole ‘hashtag’ thing, so I don’t know if I did it right. I guess that the kids would say that my hashtag game is weak. But I’m good with that. I mean, I am the dark lord, so I guess I don’t really need to be cool all the time.”
Although Hell remains the most populated celestial plane, it is still widely viewed as an unfavorable place to visit, let alone exist for the rest of eternity.
“Literally 99% of all souls reside or will reside in hell but for some reason the normies, people that aren’t dead yet, have this really negative view of Hell,” said Hell President of Development, Rich Westerfall. “It’s weird pretty much everyone is going to end up here. So basically, this thing with the influencers, we are just trying to get people excited a bit for when they get here. Because they will get here.”
According to some business experts, the new promotional program Hell is offering is not as beneficial to
influencers as it appear.
“I’m surprised influencers are so into this,” said Market Analyst Barbra West. “All influencers are going to be going to hell anyways and all the things (Hell) is offering are really just part of the normal Hell experience but… I guess, influencers are stupid and the people they influence more so. Whatever. I guess getting rid of them may be a good thing so nevermind. Forget everything I was saying earlier.”
Promoting Hell as a desirable destination has been a struggle for Hell’s leadership for a millennium.
“It’s been a rough few Millennia, but hey, roll with what you got,” said Satan. “Sure, at first, people are really bummed to be here, but you know, this place grows on you. Or I guess in you. Because eventually everyone is consumed from the inside out, but you know. That takes a long, long time.”
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