VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

BETHESDA, MD – At a rally just outside of Bethesda, Jesus Christ announced to a gathered crowd of more than 35,000 that he wants the recently passed Health Care Reform legislation repealed.
“This so-called ‘health reform’ is illegal and un-American,” said Christ. “Obama and his team of communists have forced health care down our throats. This isn’t what I teach!”

CHERRY HILL, NJ – Scientists working with Gene-O-Topic have made a breakthrough in the fight against Douche Bag Disease by identifying and tracing a key genetic sequence. The discovery may lead to a possible cure and the elimination of the disease all together.
Douche Bag Disease has infected more than 400 million men in this country and is the leading cause of spiked hair, sleeveless shirts and Nickelback enjoyment among men ages 12 to 65.

BETHESDA, MD – Insurance lobbyist Larry Branagan is begging Congress to give him what he wants most for Christmas – no public health care option whatsoever under any new health care related legislation.

PORTLAND, OR – The latest application from Google, code named “Blue Screen,” has the entire tech industry on edge as rumors persist that the application will revolutionize modern computing.
“The technology at work here is astonishingly sophisticated. It’s unlike anything the world has ever seen,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt. “ “This (Blue Screen) will literally reach through your screen and slap you in the face. Well, not literally.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been so long since I’ve written a column! Hello, my lovelies, it is I, your ever vigilant reporter of all things that are good, Beth Sinclair!

DOUGLASVILLE, GA – Atlanta Falcon running back Michael Turner has apologized to his fantasy football coach, Nathaniel Tiggs, for his sub par performance in last week’s game.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After more than 50 years of failed attempts, the Central Intelligence Agency finally succeeded in eliminating all Kennedys from American politics with the passing of Edward “Ted” Kennedy.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic.