WILMINGTON, NC – Jesus Christ has apologized for a controversial tweet he made last month after an intense online backlash.

SANTA FE, NM – A recent survey conducted by the University of New Mexico has discovered 75% of art labeled as “Native American Art” is made by white men with ponytails.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh from a visit to London, President Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that the United States will export gasoline to England as he was made aware England uses petrol rather than gasoline.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”

BEAVERTON, OR – A regular at JavaTown café was saddened to learn that another regular customer is not gay.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Like many other Americans, President Trump and his staff have made New Year’s resolutions.

KIRKLAND, WA – A local barista informed customers and coworkers that he has almost completed his film script.