WASHINGTON, D.C. – In preparation for the anticipated troop build-up President Bush recently promised the United States armed forces are considering new enlistment incentives to raise the total number of troops available for deployment.

WASHINGTON, DC – With faith in their government at an all time low, the American people have elected a new party to take lead of Congress – The Klingon National Assembly. This marks the first time in the history of the United States that a third party, let alone one consisting entirely of a violent alien race, has been a majority in either the House of Representatives or the Senate.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to draw more tourists to the nation’s capitol, the Mayor of Washington, D.C., Anthony Williams, has announced plans to open an interactive museum devoted to the city’s most famous product, crack cocaine.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.

SEATTLE, WA – Hoping to continue with the success of the iPod line, Apple will unveil new iPod designs, features and accessories this summer to bolster the product line.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush admitted in a press conference today that some of the intelligence received previous to the Iraq war was incorrect. The source of the problem, he said, could be traced back to a typo. Instead of “Iraq,” a key document should have read “Iran.”

ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.