New iPods and Accessories Hitting Stores This Summer
Published May 2006 0 Comments | Share:
The new iPodJock and iPodEsyChick will be available this summer and will come preloaded with songs from Limp Bizkit and Lindsay Lohan respectively.
SEATTLE, WA – Hoping to continue with the success of the iPod line, Apple will unveil new iPod designs, features and accessories this summer to bolster the product line.
Beginning in June, new iPods designs will be available at department stores across the country. These new designs will be targeted to specific groups including jocks, teen girls and NASCAR fans, just to name a few. Each design will be unique featuring different color schemes and song lists preloaded onto the iPod.
“We feel that this is the perfect way to really connect with our ever growing, ever changing consumer base,” said Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. “To put it bluntly, the iPod has been kicking the ass of every other portable MP3 player on the market. It’s like the iPod is a pimp and every other piece of hardware is a disrespectful ho. Now I’m not just talking a ho that sasses back. No. I mean a ho that sasses back, hides money and gives freebies to the guys that she thinks are really hot. That’s totally how the MP3 player market is right now. The iPod is doing a lot of pimp-slapping and I’m loving it.”
Consumers are eager for the new iPods as advanced orders for the new iPodJock have been sold out at the Apple online store for two months.
“The really great thing about these new versions of the iPod is the level of customization that you get,” said Barbra Heaton, head of Apple Research and Development. “Our new iPodJock comes in two customizable colors. Now customers can use their iPodJock to reflect the colors and name of their high school… where they were a superstar football player but never got a chance to prove it. It’s like a letterman jacket that plays rap-rock. We would put college colors and names but let’s face it, none of these guys went to college. The iPodJock also comes pre-loaded with Limp Bizkit’s entire musical catalog. But that’s just a hint of things to come. I can tell you, when you see the iPodGay, it’ll blow your mind.”
In addition to the new designs, Apple will be launching the new iAlert necklace later this summer. The iAlert necklace contains an LCD screen that displays the name and artist of the song being played on the accompanying iPod. This feature will allow anyone the opportunity to see exactly what the wearer of the iAlert is listening to.
“Man, that shizit is sick, yo,” said Artie McWilliams, 15, of Highlands Ranch, Colorado. “Now when I be bumpin my Biggie, peoples is gonna know it. And I be all like ‘that’s righ, bitch, I’m white and I’m listin to Biggie fuckin Smalls! Whatcha gonna do ‘bout it? That’s right, nuttin! You best keep walking ‘for I put a bullet in yo ass.’ It’s gonna be off the hook! Wait, do people still say ‘off the hook?’ See, I haven’t really heard it in a while, so I’m not quite sure.”
Shortly after the iAlert, a new, solar chargeable battery is planned for release this fall. The as yet unnamed solar charger will be mounted on a helmet and will consist of 12 five-inch by seven-inch solar panels that can plug directly into an iPod.
“These advances are only going to cement our place as the market leader in this new and exciting field,” Jobs said. “When someone sees any of the new products that we have on tap, they are going to think to themselves ‘man, that company really knows what it’s doing.’ I see (Apple) as a pimp, and the consumer being a grateful john – the iPod still being the ho of course. We treat the consumer right because we know that the ho will, in turn treat us right. And sure, the free sex is always great, but really it’s only the cream inside the Twinkie of the big picture.”
The new iPodJock and other market-specifc iPods will retail for $679.99.
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