SAN BERNADINO, CA – Blaming his new job and other social obligations, local internet user Jerod Franklin said he no longer has the time or energy to post as many violent threats per day as he did six months ago.

NEW YORK, NY – As the world becomes more dangerous, a growing trend is creating a list of “must do”s to be completed before one dies – commonly known as a “bucket list.”

WASHINGTON, DC – During his historic visit to the United States of America last month, the Pope was unable to meet one of his primary goals of the trip – see a football game in all 30 NFL stadiums.

The distance between the stadiums and the fact that most games are played on Sunday contributed to the Pope not reaching his goal.

“Much like God, I am a fan of the American football,” Pope Francis said.

SEATTLE, WA – White women across the country are in a state of panic as Starbucks has announced they will be discontinuing the popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, just weeks before the drink was to go on sale.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As tensions between North Korea and South Korea continue to build, North Korea has released details and images of its new drone fleet.

Based on the images released by the North Korea Military, the drones appear to be small helicopters, like those typically sold as toys for children, with guns attached to them by string or duct tape.

MEMPHIS, TN – A woman on the 33 bus wants to know “what she say?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a pre-vacation ruling, the Supreme Court has issued one of its most controversial rulings, upholding Comcast’s right to demand customer’s first-born children as payment.

LOS ANGELES – As the drought in California worsens, residents have begun modifying their cars by adding armor plating, skulls and various other decorations in preparation for the inevitable wars.

Climate scientists believe the lack of rain and shortage of water may result in wars fought by gangs with armored vehicles and guitars that shoot fire as seen in the recent documentary film, “Mad Max: Fury Road.”

NASHVILLE – Local country singer Johnny Thunder is reportedly having trouble finding a word that rhymes with America that he hasn’t already used.

SALEM, OR – The man a couple cubes down is stating that he has a great idea for a mobile application that will make him millions of dollars.