TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida lawmakers have passed a new law that requires all textbooks used by publicly funded schools to be changed to say the American Civil War was fought over the choice of cola drinks.
“It’s time to start teaching our children the truth and not fairy tales and nonsense,” said Florida President of the Senate, Kathleen Passidomo. “The Civil War was fought because part of this country liked Coca-Cola and another part of the country liked Pepsi. That’s it. Nothing to do with anything else. It was a sad time in our history but now we have both Pepsi and Coca-Cola so I’m glad that (the Civil War) happened actually. I like both those drinks. Unless one of them supports gay pride. Do they support gay pride? Someone find out if they support gay pride, so I know if I need to stop drinking one of them.”
The new law further requires the removal of any mention of slavery in connection to the Civil War.
“I don’t know where this notion that the Civil War was fought over slavery even comes from,” said Florida State Senator, Clay Yarborough. “We all know that it wasn’t and yet we still let them teach our kids that it was. Well not anymore. Now we will teach the truth – it was Pepsi versus Coke. And I for one am a fan of which ever one doesn’t have any kind of diversity initiatives.”
In the event that new textbooks cannot be acquired prior to the school year, school districts are allowed to remove any pages referencing the Civil War and slavery.
“The good thing is we now have full authority to just rip out any pages from any textbook that we don’t like,” said Fifth-grade teacher, Brenda Sterlings. “The even better thing is that no one is going to be there looking over our shoulders when we do that, so who’s to say that some content other than slavery might be ‘lost?’ I am not a big fan of teaching kids about the so called ‘moon landing’ so, you know, that might not be in the books anymore, either.”
Effective immediately, the law was passed by the Republican controlled Legislature last week.
“We felt that we had to get out in front of this and get it done as quickly as we could,” said State Representative, Ben Bailey. “God forbid we didn’t get it done before the school year started and some poor kid starts flipping through their history book and finds out that white people are horrible, and have done horrible things. Nope, can’t have that, can we?”
Coca-Cola and Pepsi refused to be interviewed as part of this story but issued a joint statement that read “leave us out of this. This is Florida being Florida and has nothing to do with us. And yes, the Civil War was fought over slavery.”
Despite the fact that the soda companies are refusing to endorse the changes, Florida Officials are confident that they can help get these changes implemented nationwide.
“We’ve already had discussions with most of the Southern states about how we can get Florida’s version of history into other textbooks,” said Passidomo. “Luckily, most of the Southern states are just as backwards as we are, so it’s been a pretty easy sell. The hard part will be when we got to other, let’s say, more tolerant states. You know places like Oregon and California where the Lib-tards live. Yeah, that’s going to be tough, but we’re stupid enough to keep pushing it!”