New York City, NY – Consumer Reports has once again published its yearly list detailing the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country are expecting to stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the high demand.

WASHINGTON, DC – Facing stiff competition from Democrats and declining support, many Republican candidates have begun restructuring their platforms and in some cases, straying from conservative support, if only slightly. The biggest change comes in the form of several Republican Presidential candidates now supporting abortion – but only for Hispanics.

SEATTLE, WA – Due to a lack of quality retail space in several of America’s larger markets, Starbucks will begin a new expansion strategy that will open new Starbucks coffee shops inside existing Starbucks. The new Starbucks stores will be smaller than existing ones but will offer a full menu.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Holy crap on a crutch! It seems like forever and a day ago that I got to write one of these articles. But never fear, my adoring pubic… I mean public, it is I, Beth Sinclair and I am here to tell you what is going on in this crazy little world I call HollyAsskickFucktasticLand!

WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.

DOVER, CT – After suffering humiliation and disappointment through most of his life, construction worker Glen Sanford has been given a reprieve and granted almost limitless power. Recently hired as a Traffic Controller for a construction project, Sanford can now control traffic with a mere flick of the wrist.

WASHINGTON, DC – In order to help alleviate the National debt and pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush has singed a law allowing for advertising space to be made available on U.S. currency and on the U.S. flag.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Global Warming becoming the hot topic among television and radio talk show hosts, celebrities have begun using their massive political influence and scientific expertise to help protect and revive aspects of the environment.

DETROIT, MI – To increase subscribers, the driver assistance system OnStar will be unveiling several new features aimed at easing the life of drivers world wide. One of the first new systems to be implemented will be a service to help drivers identify good, out-of-the-way places to bury dead bodies.