HOLLYWOOD, CA – Vampire Americans, upset with the way vampires have been portrayed in the media, are calling for a boycott of all vampire movies, books and TV shows released now and in the future as well as anything released in the last five years.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Faced with a public relations nightmare after an oil rig exploded killing 11 and causing millions of barrels of oil to leak into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has replaced its CEO with Buttons, a Black Labrador puppy.

The move comes only weeks after former CEO Tony Hayward stepped down following the Gulf of Mexico disaster. Hayward was replaced by Bob Dudley, who in turn has been replaced by Buttons.

CLEVELAND, OH – During several different conversations with several different people at a recent Mates of State concert, local man Landon “Buster” Keane mentioned several times that every album he’s purchased in the past year has been on vinyl as apposed to CDs or online music stores.

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of MRSA infections and the increase in popularity of Justin Bieber.

GLENDALE, AZ – The state legislature of Arizona has authorized opening several camps where officials will be able to distinguish which Hispanic-looking people are here illegally.

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

PITTSBURGH, PA – A new survey conducted by the American Culinary Association (ACA) has confirmed what many in America have simply taken for granted: tacos are delicious.

LAS VEGAS, NV – With Las Vegas struggling to attract tourists, the city and its business leaders have begun to make changes that will hopefully bring more people to the city.

BETHESDA, MD – At a rally just outside of Bethesda, Jesus Christ announced to a gathered crowd of more than 35,000 that he wants the recently passed Health Care Reform legislation repealed.
“This so-called ‘health reform’ is illegal and un-American,” said Christ. “Obama and his team of communists have forced health care down our throats. This isn’t what I teach!”

SPOKANE, WA – Wendy’s employees do not think customer Kirk Johnson is as funny as Johnson himself thinks he is. After Johnson attempted to order a “heart attack with a side of bypass,” Wendy’s cashier Wanda Broduer remained unamused.