WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.

BELLEVUE, WA – In an effort to become the number one discount travel website, Expedia.com has announced new features that the company hopes will draw more business.

SEATTLE, WA – Due to a lack of quality retail space in several of America’s larger markets, Starbucks will begin a new expansion strategy that will open new Starbucks coffee shops inside existing Starbucks. The new Starbucks stores will be smaller than existing ones but will offer a full menu.

ANAHEIM, CA – After a gathering of Disney Corporation senior Imagineers, it was announced that the cartoon character of Pluto the dog will be reclassified. The change will move Pluto from the classification of “canine” to a new species tentatively called “Dogturd.”

SEATTLE, WA – Hoping to continue with the success of the iPod line, Apple will unveil new iPod designs, features and accessories this summer to bolster the product line.

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Employees of NetStarr were alarmed and concerned last Friday by what they discovered scrolled across a white board in an office meeting room. The contents of the board were immediately speculated to contain information relative to the future of both the company and the employees.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After an intensive three months of research, which included many official polls and population consumption rate statistics, the citizens of San Francisco were overjoyed to hear that the real San Francisco treat was Anal-Ease lubricant and not Rice-A-Roni as had been commonly believed.

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”

STAMFORD, CT – For the first time in United States history, Presidential candidates will not only square off in a series of televised debates but also in the wrestling ring.