HOUSTON, TX – For his New Year’s Resolution, local Man Glenn Ramirez has committed to finishing the jigsaw puzzle he started in 2019.

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.

BALTIMORE, MD – The former guitarist of a punk band has admitted that he wishes he had sold out when given the opportunity years ago.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local ventriloquist, Joshua Castellino, is no longer invited to parties due to refusal to leave his dummy, Winston, at home.

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – A teenager on vacation with his family announced that he will just stay in the room, alone, while the rest of the family goes to a hotel pool.

CHICAGO, IL – Local software developer Andre Flutroe, 29, says he has become concerned about his increasing desire to purchase a pair of flip-flops sandals.

BOCA RATON, FL – Scientist have traced climate change, specifically global warming, to a grandmother’s thermostat in Florida.

NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Joe Biden stunned the nation during last month’s inauguration ceremony by removing a mask revealing that Hillary Clinton had been disguised as Biden during the election.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Elect Joe Biden has announced the nomination of Post Malone to a new cabinet position of Secretary of Yeet.