NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.
“The new delivery system, which is a syringe with a needle at each end, will allow couples to be intimate and at the same time shoot each other full of COVID-19 vaccine,” said Pfizer Engineer, Guenter Kobalt. “We thought about other, more romantic delivery systems like a double-sided dildo that shoots you full of COVID-19 vaccine but… alas, those other ideas just proved to be unreliable. Fun. Real fun. But unreliable ways to deliver a vaccine. But fun. I want to stress the fun part. I got to take home the prototype. So many memories. Fun, fun memories.”
To use the double-sided syringe, the couple will hold the syringe between them and then slowly push towards each other until the needle is pushed into both people. The couple will then rock back and forth with the syringe between them to deliver the vaccine.
“An important thing to do is to make sure that each person gets the same amount of vaccine,” said Pfizer Lead Designer, Norman Summers. “There is a lot of vaccine in each syringe, because it’s intended for two people, and one person should absolutely not get more than their share. If they do it might make them horribly sick really quickly and that would put a total bummer on any planned sexiness that would follow the shot. No one wants to get sick while getting or giving a blowie. Trust me.”
The CDC approved the new double-sided syringe in a special, expedited review early last month.
“A couple of us tried the vaccines last month,” said CDC Virologist, Jean Wimm. “It was really an intimate experience for me. Not so much my husband Scott. In hindsight, I probably should have told him what I was doing when I came up and poked him from behind, but once he loosened up, everything was fantastic. It really was an experience that we both loved and are really looking for to the second dose.”
Although the new double-sided syringe is intended to share, Pfizer representatives stressed that it is intended for couples only.
“Unfortunately, this new double-sided syringe will only work for a romantic couple that consists of two people,” said Kobalt. “So for the swingers or the cucks or just the polyamorous types, like my girlfriend, they will have to do something different. You wouldn’t want to leave someone out since only two people can use this. But, I mean, if you’re into some of that freaky shit, you could always order multiple syringes. Just make sure that you only have an even number of people. Got it? No odd number orgies.”
The new vaccines can be ordered through healthcare providers and on Bill Gate’s personal website.