LONG BEACH, CA – Despite a steep decline in sales and popularity, local man Kenny Drew sill shows off his Segway at every opportunity.

PARKER, CO – Local high school football coach doesn’t like high school athlete Kyle McDavid for no apparent reason.

NEW YORK, NY – As the world becomes more dangerous, a growing trend is creating a list of “must do”s to be completed before one dies – commonly known as a “bucket list.”

NORTH POLE – Several companies, including Apple and Mattel, have filed patent infringement lawsuits against Santa Claus.

The lawsuits claim that Claus is manufacturing and distributing toys that violate a number of patents. One toy cited in the lawsuit, Claus’s sPad, looks and functions very similar to Apple’s iPad.

ATLANTA, GA – CNN has reluctantly switched their 24-hour news coverage away from the missing Malaysian Flight 370 to the developing story of a child who may or may not have lost his bicycle.

PORTLAND, OR – Friends of local man, Jerod Greemes, are getting sick of hearing about how he doesn’t own, need or want a car.

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.

Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

TOKYO, JAPAN – As Japan continues to recover from the massive March earthquake, concern is rising that the nation’s used panty vending machine industry may be unable to recover.

AUSTIN, TX – A solution to concerns over redistricting and illegal immigration is being proposed by Texas lawmakers to address a recent slew of lawsuits surrounding the 2010 census.