LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move to ease the frustration of sitting in traffic, the city of Los Angeles is set to unveil its new accident warning system along a 100 mile stretch of I -5. The system, which will be comprised of video screens every mile, will broadcast any traffic accidents that are ahead.

Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!

LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.

WASHINGTON, DC – Riding both the highs and lows of landing two separate spacecraft on the surface of Mars, NASA announced this week that a manned expedition to the red planet will begin preparations later this year for lift off in 2006. To increase visibility and public support, several celebrities have been chosen to man the first mission to Mars.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to increase viewing share, three major adult-themed channels are planning changes to include family oriented programming. With adult cable television suffering as a result of the increase of internet pornography, the Spice Channel, Playboy Channel and The Really Naughty Channel announced plans to include cartoons for younger viewers in the early morning hours and family oriented movies extending into the late afternoon.

NEW YORK, NY – With grocery stores and fast food restaurants catering to America’s new diet trend, a group of three New York models are marketing a new diet which the models say “will revolutionize weight loss as we know it.”

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a response to lawsuits filled against music downloaders, one million people filled a joint lawsuit against 200 musicians and several major record labels for breach of contract stating a failure to deliver promised goods. The lawsuit was filled in the Los Angeles County court by a group calling themselves the People Against One-Hit Wonders.

ARVADA, CO – Taking a cue from the state of California, the students at Oberon Junior High in Arvada have voted to recall Student Council President Eric Williams. The recall election, to be held on October 31, will be the first of its kind at the school.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After an intensive three months of research, which included many official polls and population consumption rate statistics, the citizens of San Francisco were overjoyed to hear that the real San Francisco treat was Anal-Ease lubricant and not Rice-A-Roni as had been commonly believed.