LOS ANGELES – Anna Nicole’s dead, rotting body will be the star of a brand new reality show on E Entertainment Television. The show, which will be called “Over Anna Nicole’s Dead Body,” has already begun production and will air this Spring.

BOISE, ID – For the fifth straight year, Robert Winslow’s New Year’s resolution has not lasted past the first minute of the New Year. This year’s resolution, a vow not to call his mother-in-law Tasha Dogone a “stupid, dirty whore,” was broken in 42 seconds.

DENVER, CO – One of the worst blizzards in Colorado history was nothing compared to the blizzard of 1934 as remembered by local man Wally Nesmith, 92.

ST. LOUIS, MO – During a casual chat with friends, Benjamin Walters admitted that he, a Caucasian 18-year-old male, identifies with African-Americans.

FRESNO, CA – The California Department of Health Services has located the farm responsible for producing the spinach with the deadly E. coli strain. The farm, which is located just outside of Fresno, is owned and operated by a man known simply as Bluto.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study conducted by the Harvard University English Department proves what many Americans have known for years: writing news briefs is difficult.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Making it official, the National Board of What’s Funny announced today that the Rapping Granny gimmick is no longer funny.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In what scientists are describing as a “major life changing event,” nerds everywhere suffered a simultaneous “nerdgasm” when the movie “X-Men: The Last Stand” was released. The “nerdgasm” was triggered by a very intense scene between the characters of Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman, and Jean Grey, played by Famke Jansen.

TRENTON, NJ – Car salesman Gerry Traim has voiced disapproval for the nickname he has been assigned by his co-workers. Traim discovered the nickname, Major Ass, when he overheard others discussing his new car.