TUCSON, AZ – According to a recent report released by the White House, the violence in Mexico border towns has reached “Lethal Weapon 3” levels – the highest level of violence seen in Mexico since 1972.

TEHRAN, IRAN – In an effort to improve its image with the rest of the global community, Iran has announced plans to make several modifications to its current government policies.

LITTLE ROCK, AK – After viewing a commercial for the Super-Shammy, a super absorbent towel, Kurt Williams is convinced that the product is the solution to all his life problems.

ST. LOUIS, MO – During a casual chat with friends, Benjamin Walters admitted that he, a Caucasian 18-year-old male, identifies with African-Americans.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Undeterred by a less than attractive facial appearance, John Lewdig, US West Order Coodinator, was classified as “fuckable” by fellow co-worker and single mother Janice Jamison.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Promising change, Barack Obama won the presidency last year, and taking office this month, Obama has already issued several major changes to the United States which have many Caucasian-Americans concerned.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.