BALTIMORE, MD – The former guitarist of a punk band has admitted that he wishes he had sold out when given the opportunity years ago.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have proposed changes to the funding of the infrastructure bill.

NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.

NASHVILLE, TN – A new online support group has been launched to help Republicans find music made by artists that align with current Republican values.

The coworkers of Ben Magnerson still do not want to hear about Magnerson’s Dungeons and Dragons game.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Adult stores across the country are dealing with inventory issues as Americans become vaccinated against COVID-19 and the need for social distancing is rapidly decreasing.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Local Tesla owner, Jacob Gregory, has successfully worked the fact that he owns a Tesla into every conversation he’s had since purchasing the vehicle in late 2020.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After months of social and political pressure, social media companies will soon begin offering an option that will allow users to decline becoming racist.

ANTARCTICA – Superman announced last week that he is “taking a break” from humanity and will spend the “foreseeable future” alone at his Fortress of Solitude.