New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Just Can't Anymore

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A new poll conducted by Stanford University has found that 84% of Americans "just can't anymore."
A new poll conducted by Stanford University has found that 84% of Americans "just can't anymore."
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

“While I can’t say we were surprised to see a rise in the percentage of people that just can’t anymore but how much that increased is a little… well, I get it,” said Lead Data Analyst, Chloe Freeman. “I totally fucking get it. I too, just can’t anymore. I mean, really, if you look back on the last few years, I’m surprised that the numbers aren’t even higher than they are. Because fuck these last few years, am I right?”

The poll, conducted by Stanford University in November of last year, surveyed more than 100,000 Americans and asked if they “totally can,” if they “just don’t know,” or if they “just can’t anymore”.

“Each person we polled was asked to select an option that best represented how they are feeling,” said Stanford University Professor and poll author, Vihaan Bahaar. “And people told us how they feel. The feel like they just can’t anymore. We are not sure what to do with this data but at least we know that most Americans just can’t anymore. I guess this info could help us create new programs for people who just can’t anymore, but… I too just can’t anymore. For what that’s worth.”

The poll found that 84% of responders just can’t anymore, an increase of 40% compared to the same poll conducted two years ago.

“There are a lot of reasons that people just can’t anymore, obviously one of the biggest at the moment is COVID,” said Stanford University Psychology Professor, Leana Moore. “And let’s not forget how a bunch of dipshits tried to overthrow the government last year. The wildfires destroying huge swaths of earth. Oh, and then there’s just the overall shittyness of people all over this country. You know, like the assholes that are throwing hissy fits on airplanes, people being jerks to service workers and the uptick in wild Karen encounters. It’s just a shit world and people are at the point where they just can’t anymore.”

One surprise in the poll numbers was the low number of people who responded they “totally can.”

“It’s clear that a huge majority of Americans just can’t anymore but I guess I was surprised only two percent of respondents said they totally can,” said Bahaar. “In a world where there is a ton of billionaires and millionaires, you’d think the number of people who totally can would be a bit higher. But, alas, it’s not. This tells me even people who don’t have a care in the world are at the point where they are saying ‘what the fuck is this?’ Even the ability to literally buy happiness isn’t enough for people to totally can. That’s shocking.”

While the numbers are shockingly low, there is a fair amount of optimism that things could turn around in the coming year.

“I think that we’ll get through this rough patch, eventually,” said Freeman. “I mean, come on, this shit can’t go on forever, right? Someday soon we’re going to be able to get back out there, bang random strangers, punch racists in the face, and get a decent meal without having to worry about anything. It’ll be awesome. We’re not there yet, and we won’t be there for a while, but I hope that we’ll get there soon. I guess we’d better because we only have like five, ten years left before this whole planet burns.”


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