WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have proposed changes to the funding of the infrastructure bill. Instead of taxing billionaires, Manchin and Sinema propose funding the infrastructure bill by taxing Minecraft videogame players and children’s allowances.
“It’s my understanding that children playing the Mindcraft video game thing obtain a large amount of diamonds and gold and silver and other valuable assets that are not taxed,” said Manchin. “How is this fair? You have children, getting rich, and they have paid zero taxes. Whereas our generous, wonderful billionaires have worked very hard, providing jobs for Americans and pay some taxes sometimes. How is that fair?”
Both Manchin and Sinema have been critical of taxing billionaires which has put passing the bipartisan infrastructure bill in jeopardy.
“I just don’t see why we should tax billionaires. I personally know a bunch of them, and they are just great!” said Sinema. “They are so generous, and kind and I just don’t think it’s right. I was talking to one of them the other night at a fund raiser they threw me on a personal island resort type thing, and they said that if we taxed them they would be sad and they wouldn’t be able to throw those types of amazing parties and that we should tax someone else, like kids or something, and I said that was such a smart and great idea so that’s what we should do. The last thing that we need in this country is sad billionaires. When the billionaires are sad, the entire country goes to shit.”
Manchin and Sinema’s proposal would require all Minecraft players to pay a 75% tax on the real-life equivalent value of the player’s inventory. Additionally, all children would be required to pay taxes up to 90% on all allowance.
“My friend’s daughter plays Mycraft and I guess she has like a trillion dollars worth of gold and silver and gems and stuff and that’s not taxed,” said Sinema. “My billionaire friends are already supposed to pay taxes but these kids with all this wealth aren’t? Someone explain to me how that’s fair.”
While Manchin and Sinema’s proposal has proved popular with Republicans, several fellow Democrats have pointed out that the wealth accumulated in video games is, in fact, not real and cannot be taxed.
“I tried explaining this to (Sinema and Manchin) but they looked at me like I was explaining nuclear fission,” said Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ). “Seriously, these two idiots just sat there looking at me. I didn’t have as much trouble explaining how the Constitution works to my five year-old nephew. He got it like that. (Sinema and Manchin) They don’t function in the real world. I’m pretty sure that if I paid them though, they would jump right on board with whatever we wanted to do.”
Regardless of whether or not the proposal is accepted in to the bill, Manchin and Sinema say they are holding firm on not raising taxes on their billionaire friends.
“I don’t honestly care if other Democrats don’t want to tax children but I do care that the honest, hard-working, loving, family-oriented billionaires do not have to pay a single dime in taxes because if they do then I’ll lose my boat club membership and I’ll have to pay for my own vacations and bills and that won’t fly,” said Manchin.