SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

SPRINGFIELD, WV – Despite the fact that he was unemployed for eight months in 2010, Alan Jeffries, 23, has already planned out how he will spend his tax return.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Comedian Steven Yips says he is may delete his Twitter account as the pressure to post humorous updates to Twitter is consuming his free time.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – A famous actor has dumped his slightly less famous actress girlfriend ending a romance that started on the set of some film that the couple appeared in together.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – American fast food company Long John Silver’s has secured exclusive fishing rights in the Gulf of Mexico as it hopes to capitalize on the recent oil spill. The company is hoping to both make a substantial profit from “already oiled fish” and perhaps remove the oil from the water.
“What we have here is an amazing opportunity,” said Long John Silver’s president Walter Johnson.

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

WELLINGTON, VA – Local man Jefferson Porter rewarded his eight-year-old son with ice cream despite the fact that his son did not deserve any such reward.

EL CAJON, CA – The friends and family of Gary Kostisyn are almost unanimous in the feeling that Gary doesn’t get it. In a strongly worded letter from those that know him best, Kostisyn was warned to “get his shit together and figure it out.”

PALM BEACH, FL – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has admitted that he can no longer remember why he hates Democrats, poor people and minorities.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A conversation with actor Erik Estrada left local man Michael Weary feeling much less satisfied than expected. The two met while Weary was a contest on a game show in which Estrada was a judge.