DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of capitalizing on a large population of homosexuals living in the Seattle area, local entrepreneur, Terri Jillette, is opening the countries first Gay Care facility.

SEATTLE, WA – Hoping to continue with the success of the iPod line, Apple will unveil new iPod designs, features and accessories this summer to bolster the product line.

LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my fervent fans, it is I, Beth Sinclair here to dish all that is fit to be dished. Wow, it seems like it has been almost forever since I got to talk to all my little children. If my memory serves me correctly, and I’m pretty sure it does, I was just a fresh faced young virgin the last time I wrote a column. Yeah right! You all should know me better than that. But seriously, I have been busy as a prostitute at a Star Trek Convention giving freebies to all the virgins who are over 30.

LUBBUCK, TX – The sexuality of local man Donnie Ray Stevenson was tested earlier this week when he accidentally saw a new film about two homosexual cowboys, Brokeback Mountain.

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.

DOVER, MA – According to a recent study in the Journal of Scientific Theory, there is direct correlation between winter Seasonal Depression and bad Holiday presents. The study, a joint venture between Brown University and the American Center for Clinical Depression, was held over a five year period and involved interviewing over 7,500 people who said they became depressed or showed signs of depression during the holiday season.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In an effort to assist a co-worker his sex life, secretary Jenny Hill offered relationship advice, despite the fact that she was not consulted. The advice, which included tips on how to “get her into the sack as soon as possible,” was initially ignored by the co-worker, forcing Hill to be more aggressive in her efforts to help.