CLEVELAND, OH – Only a few seconds after he called in sick to work, co-workers of Carl Mayer set a new world record for speculation on Tuesday. Mayer, who claimed to have a sore throat and fever called in to his office at 7:37:24, and by 7:37:27 rumors were already running rampant about the true cause of his absence.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of research, food developers for the Arby’s chain of restaurants have announced they have made a major breakthrough in genetic research that will save the company millions of dollars and at the same time provide a higher quality of sandwich.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.

WALA WALA, WA – After an intense investigation by both the FBI and INTERPOL, officials from both agencies have announced that they have arrested Oberon Junior High student Adam Kent, 14, in connection with several high profile weather related crimes, including the recent tsunami in Indonesia.

PORTLAND, OR – In a demonstration against the American government and the election process, 18-year-old Jerold “Skinner” Watoski, decided not vote for any of the available Presidential candidates and instead wrote in his own candidate. Watoski, who describes himself as an “Anarchist,” wrote the name of rock-group Good Charlotte on his ballot with a marker that Watoski had snuck into the voting booth.

COLLEGE PARK, MD – A recently concluded study is causing waves in the food industry as scientists at the University of Maryland have discovered that despite commonly held beliefs, food dropped on the floor is not free of germs, dirt or bacteria if picked up within five seconds.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Employees of NetStarr were alarmed and concerned last Friday by what they discovered scrolled across a white board in an office meeting room. The contents of the board were immediately speculated to contain information relative to the future of both the company and the employees.

ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.

AUSTIN, TX – With the recent explosion of controversy as cities and states consider the legalization of gay marriages, Texas Senator Dale Williams has introduced a bill into Congress that will forever remove the word “Homo” for the term “Homo-sapiens” and make the union of same sex partners a federal crime.