WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”

RENTON, VA – Ending several weeks of speculation, the Food and Drug Administration announced that it was recalling one of the “mmm’s” from the famous Campbell’s soup slogan. Campbell’s soup, previously marketed as “mmm – mmm, good,” was forced to remove the second “mmm,” reportedly due to the reduction in the soups quality over the past five years and an increase in the quality of competing brands.

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Conspiracy theorists across the globe were redeemed this week as it was revealed that the true man behind the war in Iraq is not George W. Bush but rather Charlie Anderson, President of the Country Music Association.

WASHINGTON D.C. – After month’s of bitter arguing and failed attempts at rebuilding their relationship, President Bush and Iraq President Saddam Hussein have agreed to attend couples counseling. Both plan on retreating to Camp David with world-renowned therapist Kelli Steinberg later this month.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to “update their image,” several well known religious figures made surprise guest appearances last week on the Jenny Jones Show for a segment entitled “Righteous Makeovers.” During the show, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu and Mohammed each took turns with hair stylists and fashion consultants, each hoping the new looks will help them come across to a new generation of worshipers that are more in tune with the world of high fashion.

LINDENWOLD, NJ – As the economy continues to struggle, more and more companies are facing difficult cut backs in order to maintain operations. This week, fast food giant McDonald’s announced it too would be forced to layoff employees.

HOBOKEN, NJ – After years of debate, an independent group of researchers has finally put a value system to the world of “fun” and the concept of “funny.” The group, lead by Randolph Bacon, a self proclaimed master of fun, was funded in part by the Nestea Corporation to find out exactly what is the funniest thing on earth.

SEATTLE, WA – In an off season trade completed late last week, the Seattle Seahawks traded all-star fan Karl Tremsky to the San Diego Chargers for veteran fan Robbie Struckly, rookie fan Steven Reynolds, a first round draft pick and future considerations.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Jesus Christ revealed earlier this week his intentions of pursuing legal action against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for illegal use of his name and image. Although speculation has been rampant for months, Christ made the decision public during a benefit for St. Luke’s Memorial Hospital Children’s Burn Ward.

HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.