Does this Panda Hold the Key to Faster-Than-Light Travel?

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The internet has been going crazy with theories that this panda may be capable of faster-than-light speed travel.
The internet has been going crazy with theories that this panda may be capable of faster-than-light speed travel.
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ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.

Interest in the Panda and FTL travel started earlier this month when an Instagram user posted a photo of Ya Lun with the caption “Dis panda is cute af!!!! I think it moving faster thn lite which should be impossibel. [sic]”

That Instagram post went viral almost immediately and was posted on several other sites including Reddit and 4chan.

“The whole post doesn’t make any sense,” said blogger, LadyCrimson9123 in the comments section of a related Reddit post. “The panda is cute, but is it so cute that it’s traveling faster than light? I mean to do that, the panda would have to have a cuteness quotient of about 22.64 and really, I would rate it at no more than 18.87, at most. But maybe it is possible. ”

As the post popularity increased people began posting comments suggesting that it might be possible for the panda to travel faster than the speed of light.

“I totally think that it’s possible for the panda to achieve FTL travel,” said Reddit user, StinkFingerPete. “With the black and the white of the panda’s fur, as the panda gains momentum, the colors would combine and cancel each other out. This would in turn create a singularity in the visual spectrum that would open up a worm hole that could, theoretically mind you, allow the panda to achieve FTL speeds. Of course you would need to get the panda going about mach-2 to get the colors to combine, and you know, that would probably cause it’s cute little head to implode. But imo it could be done.”

When asked if it is possible that Ya Lun could hold the key to FTL travel, Cornell University Astrophysics professor Freda Quinn said simply “no, that’s fucking stupid. It’s a fucking panda.”

“Pandas are not smart creatures,” Quinn said. “You can look at it this way, President Trump is smarter than your average panda breast, and I’ll tell you, he’s borderline retarded. And I don’t mean retarded like your cousin Jimmy who once drank a six pack and tried to make his F-150 float. I mean that his intelligence is I the same par as a fence post. But he’s at least smarter than a panda. Sop no, panda, not Trump for that matter, are not the key to FTL travel.”

Despite the dismal from the actual scientific community, many internet users are trying to plot ways to test out the panda/FTL hypothesis.
“I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page in order to raise the money that we need to run a few tests,” said Reddit user Putitinmybuttandcallmefartmouth341. “I figure that we’ll need about 350 billion dollars to get this thing of the ground. We’re off tho a good start too. Both my mom and grandma pledged four dollars each so now we just need $349,999,999,992 till we reach our goal. We’ve got 20 days left so that should be totally easy.”


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