Local Man Unable To Communicate Without Sports

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Derrick Browdirt has been unable to communicate with his friends and family since the cancellation of sports.
Derrick Browdirt has been unable to communicate with his friends and family since the cancellation of sports.

DALLAS, TX – A local sports fan, Derrick Browdirt, has found himself unable to communicate with other males due to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“It’s pretty much the saddest damn thing I ever did see,” said Browdirt’s father-in-law, Hank Whitmore. “We had Sunday brunch with them last week after church and (Derrick) just sat there, just kinda starin’ off in to the distance, not sayin’ a word. On occasion he’d glance over my way and look at me like he wanted to say something but after a few ticks he’d just turn away and get back to starin’ off in to the distance.”

Prior to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events around the globe, Browdirt communicated with male friends, family, and coworkers solely about sports. Without sports Browdirt has been unable to find a single thing to discuss with other males.

“I didn’t realize until a couple days ago but I been friends with Derrick for 20-odd years but I don’t think we ever had a talk about anythin’ other than the (Dallas) Cowboys, America’s team, or the (Texas) Rangers,” said Derrick’s longtime friend, John J. Johnson. “But now, with that corona virus thing goin’ round makin’ everyone stay inside and cancelin’ all the sports I guess he ain’t got nuthin’ to say.”

The inability to talk has strained Browdirt’s relationship with his 12-year-old son, Jordan.

“Before the virus he would tell me about how I need to get out and practice throwin’ the football around because Troy Aikmen never sat around playing video games or drawing pictures,” said Jordan Browdirt. “Since the virus I tried to still talk to him about sports and stuff, you know, but he just kept starin’ at the TV – which wasn’t even on. We tried even putting on some classic football games but that didn’t work neither. When Tom Brady signed with Tampa Bay, I thought that would surely pull him out of his funk, but no. Maybe he’s dead inside now. I think I’d be alight with that though ‘cus I don’t really like football. I kinda just want to sing in the choir.”

Friends tried to have conversations with Browdirt about topics other than sports but have had no success.

“Last week I brought a buncha old Playboy magazines in to the office to see if we could get Derrick to talk about boobs or hot chicks or something,” said Browdirst’s coworker Greg Nichols. “We’d hold the pictures up in his eye-line and… nuthin’. It was like he didn’t even see them. It’s really just sad. I hope he ain’t turnin’… you know. At least he’s still getting his work done otherwise we’d have to let him go.”

Browdirt has been able to communicate with some female family members although those conversations have been limited to dinner and an episode of Cheers from 1990.

“He has said a couple things to me since sports went away but not much,” said Browdirt’s wife Heather Browdirt. “I asked him what he wanted for dinner the other night and he said ‘steak’ so I guess he isn’t totally gone there in his head. He also perked up when I made a ‘Norm’ reference, but again, it was pretty fleeting. He just mumbled something about Sam kissing Diane then went into the bedroom. To be honest, I kinda like the quiet around the house.”

When asked if he will be able to speak again once sports return, Browdirt shrugged and wiped a single tear from his cheek.


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