Olympic Events Changed to Help COVID Affected Athletes

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A player for the German Women's Soccer team rests after playing for one minutes.
A player for the German Women's Soccer team rests after playing for one minutes.

TOKYO, JAPAN – The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has forced the International Olympic Committee to make several changes to events of this year’s Summer Olympic Games to accommodate athletes COVID-19 related symptoms.

The IOC made the decision after consulting doctors and virologists about the effect of COVID-19 on the human body.

“We know that the lungs and the brain get seriously fucked up by COVID if you have a moderate to serve case. Also penises. I want to stress that because I don’t think people are understanding that COVID has a real good chance of making your dick soft forever. Seriously, look it up,” said IOC Chief Medical Officer, Ken Hiro. “Anyway, athletes that have had COVID cannot perform up to the levels that they may have once been at. So we have decided to alter things to even the playing field.”

In one of the most noticeable changes, the distances of the Track and Field and swimming events have been shortened.

“All of the races will now be 10 meters,” said Chairman, Trenta Osaki. “The 100 meters will be 10 meters. The 200 meters will be 10 meters. The 400 meters will be 10 meters. The 1500 meters will be 10 meters. The 10000 meters will be 10 meters. The 3000 meter steeplechase will be 10 meters. The 4×100 relay will be a 4×10 meter relay. The marathon will be 10 meters. And so on. Oh, and the hurdles will all be 10 meters. That one was difficult because it is very hard to fit 10 hurdles in 10 meters, but we feel that we were able to do it. The only distance we didn’t change was the shooting events, because let’s face it, even a blind, one-handed shooter could hit a bullseye at 10 meters.”

Several of the team games will have reduced playing time in addition to other changes.

“All team sports will be reduced to 10 minutes of actual playing time,” said USA Baseball Coach, Mike Scioscia. “And we are going to spread that 10 minutes out over five hours. Apparently they think that by doing this they’ll reduce the effort each athlete will exert and also give them more time to rest. So the baseball games will only be 10 minutes long but take 5 hours to actually play, which is really not much different than normal baseball games. And much shorter than a normal NBA basketball game.”

Medals for other team sports, such as Basketball, have just been given to the countries that typically dominate in that sport.

“Yeah, we just gave the basketball gold medal to the USA, because, really, who else is going to win? Korea?” said Osaki. “We had a harder time deciding who won in some other sports but we feel that we made the right decision, especially when it comes to Croatia winning the Men’s Soccer. They just had too much heart to deny them a medal.”

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