Classified Documents Found at Home of Former Student Council President

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Classified documents were found under the bed of former Student Council President Chase Johnson.
Classified documents were found under the bed of former Student Council President Chase Johnson.

CHICAGO, IL – Makar Elementary School officials are calling for an investigation after confidential documents were found under the bed of former Student Council President, Chase Johnson.

“(Johnson) had classified documents in his home, under his bed. Why?” said father a Makar Elementary School student, Jim Herbert. “His term ended more than a year ago and he still has these documents? What is he doing with them? Why did he even take them home. We need to get to the bottom of this immediately. What if he has information about how I banged my kid’s ugly teacher to make sure he passed his math? That doesn’t exist of course because it never happened… I’m just asking questions.”

Several documents, marked as classified, were found by Johnson’s mother while she was cleaning. The documents were immediately turned over to Makar Elementary School security.

“We were notified by Chase’s mother that classified documents had been found,” said Makar Elementary School security officer, Peter Cranston. “Those documents were turned over to us. The Johnson family has been cooperative to this point and a review of the documents is underway. We are unsure why the documents had been taken home, although we suspect Chase was going to sell them to the student government over at Landeskog Elementary.”

School officials are demanding that a search be conducted of Johnson’s home, his parent’s cars, his school locker, and his treehouse.

“Where else is that little bastard keeping documents?” said Makar Elementary School Student Councilor, Trent Salam. “If he had some under his bed he probably has some in his bathroom and in his parent’s car and probably in his treehouse that he goes to after dinner. I mean… that he probably goes to after dinner. I have no idea if he does that every night. Does he even have a tree house? I don’t know. I’ve never been to his house. Definitely never been to his house or across the street with binoculars. What’s that over there?”

Among the documents found were lists of bed wetters, nuclear capabilities of rival elementary schools, teacher bribe guides, and details related to the death of Mrs. Klingenburg’s class hamster.

“We are still trying to determine the exact nature and contents of all of the documents but we do know they contained references to some sensitive information,” said Cranston. “Like this one. See, this is a list of all the kids in the school whose parents are getting a divorce. And here’s a list of all the kids that have Pokémon Cards and which Pokémon cards they have. And check this one out, it’s a list of all the teachers that are banging other teachers.”

Johnson said he was unaware that he had any classified documents in his possession.

“What?” said Johnson. “I don’t know! Nuthin’. I don’t know. Leave me alone. You always do this! I wish I lived with Jordan’s family! I hate you so much!”


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