NEW YORK, NY –After the recent ousting of longtime anchor Tucker Carlson, Fox News has committed to interviewing a diverse group of white men to replace the former host.
“We fired Tucker because… well, he knows why, but as we get ready to replace him, we want to reassure our viewers that we will stand by our promise to interview a diverse group of white men,” said Fox News Head of On Air Talent, Jim Wilson. “And yes, those white men will all need to be racist, homophobic, and misogynistic. But that probably goes without saying. That’s our whole thing.”
To keep the commitment to diversity, Fox News human resources representatives said the interview pool will consist of white men with dark hair, light hair, and one or two with no hair.
“We’ve earmarked several well-known racists and misogynists and we feel that we’ve got a pretty great pool to choose from,” said Wilson. “But we do want to make sure we cover all of Fox News’ core beliefs. We’ve got some older guys in the mix who just hate the black people and then we’ve got some younger guys that hate everyone who isn’t white. And of course, we’ve got the guys who hate the gays. I’d say we have the cream of the crop when it comes to that group. But again, we are looking for hate and anger across all our core beliefs, so we are looking at someone that is strong in all of those areas.”
According to Fox News representatives, once the interview candidates are selected, they will interview in person with Executive Chairman Rupert Murdoch and Anchor Maria Bartiromo.
“Now right off the bat you’d think that it’d be a bad idea to have (Bartiromo) on the interview team, but that’s where you’re wrong,” said Murdoch. “When we get these guys in there, we want to see just how poorly they treat (Bartiromo). Sure, she’s a ‘respected journalist’ and sure she’s as racist as the day is long, but the truth of the matter is that she is still a woman and therefore should be treated like a woman – like shit! We want to make sure that the candidates will do what is right and completely ignore everything but me.”
The search for a new host will be limited geographically. Only white men in Texas and Florida will be considered.
“As soon as we knew (Carlson) was going to get shit canned, we knew that we needed to pull from Texas and Florida and only Texas and Florida,” said Wilson. “If you try to pull candidates from any other state, you run the risk of getting a wildcard in there that might not be as offended by trans beer as you and I. But with Texas and Florida, we know that they are going to be as racist and as stupid as they come. I mean, why the hell else would they continue to live in either of those two shitholes if they weren’t racist and stupid?”
When Carlson was fired late last month, the search for a replacement started almost immediately after the announcement and emergency protocols were put in place to cover the impending confusion from Fox viewers.
“We knew our viewers were going to have questions, so we wanted to get a jump on it and let them know that yes, we fired Tucker because he is a piece of shit… I mean, that’s not why we fired him, that’s just a fact,” said Wilson. “But… anyway, we wanted to let our viewers know that we were going to get them someone else to tell them what to think as soon as possible. And that the person would be a white man. Because that is very, very important to Fox News viewers.”