DETROIT, MI – After failing to make the first Super Bowl appearance in the team’s history, the Detroit Loins have announced a blockbuster trade – sending wide receiver Josh Reynolds to New York for rapper and singer Nicki Minaj.
“Our window for a championship is closing and we felt that we needed to make a move,” said Lions owner, Jerry Whitehall. “The game is constantly evolving and we want to make sure we keep with the pace. So, we are sending (Reynolds) to New York for rapper and singer Natalie Ninja… what? Oh, sorry, Nicki Mangina. Minja. Manage. Menagerie. Minaj? Minaj.”
According to NFL analyst Chris Collinsworth, the move by the Lions appears to be a direct response to the Kansas City Chief’s trade last year, acquiring Taylor Swift from Tennessee.
“The (Swift) trade last year was… it kinda came out of left field. None of us were really expecting anything like that and… well, it obviously worked out for the Chiefs,” said Collinsworth. “There isn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind out there that the Chiefs would not be in the Super Bowl again had it not been for (Swift). It’s really a magical story. A team of under achievers gets that big boost when the popular girl starts banging the Wide Receiver. I mean it’s almost a Disney movie when you think of it.”
While she is sad to be leaving her home in New York, Minaj said she is looking forward to joining the Lions and hopes to contribute right away.
“I have a lot to offer and the Lions they be noticin’ that,” said Minaj. “I can do different voices. I can do this super high voice like this, or I can do this deeper, kinda Bri-ish voice thing, like this. And you know I be lookin’ good in tight pants. And I can twerk like a mother fucker, let’s see that flat-ass white girl in KC do that!”
Minaj wasn’t the only asset the Loins were considering. According to Whitehall, the Lions were also considering trades for BTS, Justin Timberlake, Doja Cat, and the guy who sings the “Whopper” song for Burger King.
“I think they were going for what’s hot right now and maybe not looking at history or even with an eye towards the future,” said Collinsworth. “But time will tell. (Minaj) is obviously super-hot right now and doing really, really well so that certainly shouldn’t be discounted. She has a lot going for her right now but… we’ll see if she can maintain that performance. It’s a long summer and an even longer season. We’ll see if she can bring the power and pageantry that (Swift) brings.”
Many Lions fans are upset and frustrated by the trade.
“This is the biggest amount of bullshit that I have ever seen,” said Denton Renzo, 36, a lifelong Lions fan. “Everybody, and I’m talking everyone in this entire U-S of A knows that we don’t take kindly to people like Niki Manaj in Detroit. Hell to the no! We are 100 percent Megan Thee Stallion fans here. This is horse shit. If the owners of the team had any idea who their fan base was, and it’s obvious they don’t, they wouldn’t have insulted us like that. But unfortunately, we can’t do anything about it, but, you know, bitch about it on the internet. Oh, and you can bet your sweet, twerking ass that I’m going to do just that.”
Despite the reaction by the fans, the Lions owner is excited for the team’s future.
“It’s going to be great,” said Whitehall. “I can’t wait to see (Kansas City Chiefs owner Declan Whiteman’s) face when we roll into KC next season with (Minaj). Mostly because he has a thing for… let’s just say she’s his type.”