NRA Congratulates High School Grads Who Somehow Made It to Graduation Without Getting Killed

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The NRA has sent cards to all high school graduates congratulating them on making it through school without getting shot and killed.
The NRA has sent cards to all high school graduates congratulating them on making it through school without getting shot and killed.

ALEXANDRIA, VA – The National Rifle Association has sent congratulation cards to all graduating, American high school students congratulating them for making it through school without falling victim to gun violence.

“Congrats to you for making it through high school without getting shot!” states the card. “You should celebrate this increasingly rare achievement by going out and buying yourself a gun! But don’t shoot anyone with it! LOL, JK, #blessed. No cap! Guns be bussin’, yo!”

The cards were the idea of NRA Director of Youth Outreach, Wilbur Mavourette, 78.

“It’s my job to know what kids like and there are two things I know kids like – guns and getting cards in the mail,” said Mavourette. “Why, I can’t tell you how happy I would get when my grandpop and I would jump into his old Studebaker, drive down to the malt shop and have a malt while he perused the local fineries. Then, after that, we would go to the post office and pick up the mail. Boy, it was a humdinger when I got something. Now it didn’t happen that often, but every once in a while, I would get to open something. Sometimes it was addressed to me. Other times it was addressed to ‘Resident.’ I didn’t care. The only thing that made me feel more like an adult was holding a cold forged firearm in my hand. That made me feel cool. What were we talking about?”

According to some high school principals, sending the cards appears to be a public relations move as over the last several years the NRA has become increasingly viewed unfavorably by children and teens.

“I’m around kids all day, and I can tell you, if there’s one thing kids love, it’s not dying at school,” said South Alexandria High School Principal, Shane Trout. “Sure they love Fortnite and mumble rappers, but the number one thing on the list is definitely not getting shot. So, yeah, kids are not fans of guns and therefore, not big into the NRA.”

Because the cards were mailed and took several days to reach students, the NRA acknowledges that it’s likely some of those seniors were shot while the cards were in the mail system.

“Since it will take a day or two or three to mail the cards we realize that… what are we up to now, like a couple hundred… a couple hundred students might get a card that they… I guess they don’t need,” said Mavourette. “But we at the NRA only look at the bright side of things and we know that all the kids that make it to graduation will be super excited to see a card from us and will probably donate some of their graduation gift money to us or use that gift money to go buy a gun – which will also get us some money.”

The NRA was able to get the names and addresses of every high school graduate in the state by purchasing the information directly from the schools.

“You know, it’s surprisingly easy to buy the address of every kid in America,” said NRA Director of Marketing, Dave Nulbener. “There are so many school districts out there that are going bankrupt so we, or hell, anyone, can just reach out to the school and offer them a ridiculously low amount of money, and they will give you pretty much anything you want. Seriously, just because I could, I bought the transcripts for this kid name Nate Wellboon in Bangor, Maine. Do I know Nate? Sure don’t. Do I now know that he failed Algebra One in 11th Grade? I do sure do. And that whole report cost me like three dollars. It’s pretty neat.”

The Scoop News was unable to find any high school graduates that were aware they had received a card from the NRA with most asking “what’s mail?”


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