Summer Olympics Adds New Keep Balloon From Hitting the Floor Sport

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Countries will compete in a new Olympic sport by keeping a balloon from touching the ground.
Countries will compete in a new Olympic sport by keeping a balloon from touching the ground.

PARIS, FRANCE – A new sport will be added to this year’s Summer Olympic games – Keep the Balloon Off the Floor, also known as “Balloon Bop.”

“We are very excited to be adding the Keep the Balloon Off the Floor sport to this year’s Summer Olympics,” said Summer Olympics Program Director, Hans Olaff. “Keep the Balloon From Hitting the Floor… what? Oh, my apologies, Keep the Balloon Off the Floor is one of the world’s most popular sports and we are looking forward to exciting games and amazing displays of athletes…ness as teams try to not let a balloon from touching the ground. Very exciting.”

Balloon Bop will feature teams of four competing against each other to prevent a balloon from touching the floor. Teams will alternate turns and must push the balloon upwards. If a balloon touches the floor during a team’s turn, they will be eliminated. To increase the difficulty, furniture will be added to the court that the players must avoid while attempting to touch the balloon.

“You have to not let the balloon hit the ground!” said United Sates of America Balloon Bop Team Captain, Ethan Gerome. “If that fucking balloon hits the fucking floor then we will lose and losers don’t get ice cream! I’ve been playing this sport my entire life and I am fucking jacked to be doing it in the Olympics. Are you fuckin’ kidding me? That Olympics! Fuck yeah! I’m fucking pumped! I’m gonna kick the shit out of those Swedish assholes and then I’ma gonna bang me some Norwegian bitches. They don’t drug test for the Olympics right?”

Although there is no professional league for Keep the Balloon Off the Floor anywhere in the world, the sport is played in nearly every country.

“We do not have… como se dice balloons, in my country,” said Peruvian Balloon Bop player, Paulo Verment. “So we must use rock. It hurt our feet very much but it is much fun and we laugh. Ha ha. We are happy to play with balloon in Olympics. We think that will hurt not like rock.”

The sport, making its debute in this year’s Summer Olympics, was added by host country France.

“We felt that the world was finally ready to experience this amazing game on a global level,” said French Olympic Chairman, Andre Hezbin. “A lot of people, they think that the French are nothing but cowards. That is not true. Would a coward be able to come up with a magnificent game like (Balloon Bop)? No. Only strong, brave people with large penis could come up with a game like this. And a French person is that person.”

Odds makers in Las Vegas have listed Iceland as favorites for the Keep the Balloon Off the Ground gold medal.

“It’s total bullshit!” Gerome said. “Just because they have nothing better to do than stare at a bunch if ice, people think that Iceland is going to win gold. Not on my watch! I’ve been practicing two, three times a month. There’s is no way a bunch of Ice landers are going to take the gold away from the U S of A! USA! USA! UAS! I mean, USA!”


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