DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of capitalizing on a large population of homosexuals living in the Seattle area, local entrepreneur, Terri Jillette, is opening the countries first Gay Care facility.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.

SEATTLE, WA – Hoping to continue with the success of the iPod line, Apple will unveil new iPod designs, features and accessories this summer to bolster the product line.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.

CHICAGO, IL – Despite the gloomy forecast for this year’s holiday spending, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the eight hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. The increased toy sales is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

CLEVELAND, OH – Only a few seconds after he called in sick to work, co-workers of Carl Mayer set a new world record for speculation on Tuesday. Mayer, who claimed to have a sore throat and fever called in to his office at 7:37:24, and by 7:37:27 rumors were already running rampant about the true cause of his absence.

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.

REDWOOD, CA – In an effort to cash in on some publicity and make a little money, Wanda and Dave Roman have decided to put their baby, little Dave Jr., up for auction on the website eBay. The baby, which bears a resemblance to former President Abraham Lincoln, has a starting bid of five dollars.