SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new study from a team of researchers at Stanford University has found that a large majority of single men remain single because they are “dipshits.”
“There are a lot of single, and I mean chronically single young men out there and we decided to look in to that,” said study Principal Investigator and Chair of the Sociology Department at Stanford University, Shalane Geeneria. “Taking a look at the data we collected… it’s pretty clear that most, if not all, men between the ages of 18 and 25 are dipshits. And because they are dipshits, a lot of them are single.”
The study surveyed both men and women between the ages of 18 and 25. Men were asked why they think they remain single, and women were asked why they believe men are likely to remain single.
“Women were very eager to tell why most guys are single,” said study coordinator, Blaine Delly. “Real eager. Typically, with a study like this for every 100 surveys you send out you get 50 to 60 back. But Women… almost every survey we sent out was filled out and sent back within a day. We even received 42 completed surveys from women within four minutes. Men… yeah, it took us a very long time to get enough completed surveys from men to perform any useful analysis.”
Study participation varied widely between men and women. Men participated at a rate of 28% of the total number of surveys sent while women responded at a rate of nearly 90%.
“I think that a lot of men just kind of forgot about it because they were probably busy trying to figure out why they’re single,” said Delly. “But wow, the women responded en masse. We actually had to throw out a bunch of responses because we just got so many. But yeah, we got a lot of responses, and we think that they helped us really understand that men are complete, and total dipshits.”
While the surveys sent to women consisted of only two questions, many responses included far more information.
“All we asked on the survey to women was ‘in your opinion, why do you think most men remain single’ and ‘what, if anything, is preventing you from entering in to a relationship with a man’,” said study Data Analyst, Sarah Uid. “But wow did we get more than that. Some respondents gave us pages and pages of stuff. One response was a 28 page document with graphs and pictures. When we got it, we actually thought someone had accidently sent in their dissertation, but no, it was a survey response. Turns out women don’t like watching men play video games all day, every day. And they don’t like being referred to as ‘females’. And they don’t want to hear about the latest episode of Joe Rogan or anything to do with that creepy Andy Tate guy. And they definitely don’t want some jackass that stops drinking a brand of beer because a trans person is now endorsing said brand.”
In recent years, the number of men who identify as single or not in a relationship, has reached an all-time high.
“The numbers have really gone up over the last few years,” said Geeneria. “And while we didn’t look at this specifically, I believe it may be due to the fact that the rate of dipshits in the male population increased. It’s hard to do this type of historical analysis but perhaps it’s all because of COVID, where these men were secluded and the only female contact they had was porn and the girls the pay on Only Fans. On top of that they start hearing about these self proclaimed ‘alpha males’ and, being the dipshits that they are, they start really getting into that shit. God damn are these guys dipshits.”
The Scoop News attempted to interview several men between the age of 18 and 25 for this story but each one proved to be insufferable and a total dipshit.