Pope Falls Short of Goal to See All 30 NFL Teams
Published October 2015WASHINGTON, DC – During his historic visit to the United States of America last month, the Pope was unable to meet one of his primary goals of the trip – see a football game in all 30 NFL stadiums.
The distance between the stadiums and the fact that most games are played on Sunday contributed to the Pope not reaching his goal.
“Much like God, I am a fan of the American football,” Pope Francis said.
Nihilist Says Working against His Religion
Published September 2015BLOOMINGTON, IN – A city sanitation employee is refusing to perform all assigned tasks based on is stated religious beliefs.
Did 6-year-old Predict Rise of ISIS with This Picture?
Published October 2014ALBUQUERQUE, NM – The internet is buzzing after a recent blog post suggested a local 6-year-old predicted the rise of ISIS with a picture drawn three years ago.
GOP to Deploy Troops, Drones in War on Women
Published November 2014WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.
“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.
Scared Parents Plan to Make Halloween Safe
Published October 2014OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.
“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”
Copperfield Questioned About Missing Plane
Published May 2014KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA – Having exhausted all other possible leads, Malaysian officials have brought in magician David Copperfield for questioning about the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.
“I remember seeing him one time make a plane disappear when I was a kid and he may have do it again,” said Malaysia Prime Minister, Najib Tun Razak. “Maybe (Copperfield) made plane disappear and now he ca not remember how to get it back since he is old now.”
Openly Gay Player Spurs NFL to Adopt New Rules
Published April 2014NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.
“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”
NSA Access Permanent School Records
Published August 2013WASHINGTON, DC – With approval from both Congress and the President, The National Security Agency now has access to every American’s permanent school records.
Every student who attended a school in America has a permanent record that contains information on the student including performance and disciplinary issues.
“We’ve been telling kids for generations that their permanent file will come back to haunt them and now it has,” said Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan.
Republicans to Teach Base How to Use Internet
Published May 2013WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to increase their social media presence and communicate their platform more efficiently to younger Americans, the Republican Party has started a program to teach its base how to use the internet.
“Republicans need to start tweeting and Facebooking and Yelping and they just need to start being online more. A lot more,” said Republican Strategist William Smithson.
Blogger Says Obama Wants to Bomb Heaven
Published April 2013DALLAS, TX – The man behind a popular Conservative news blog has announced he has proof that President Barack Obama is planning to “blow up” Heaven.