Universal Fights Back

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ANAHEIM, CA – In response to the “call to boycott” and other allegations made recently by Rabbi Jacob Silverman of Universal Studios’ new attraction “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride,” Seagrams CEO Edgar Bronfman, Jr. released the following statement, this past Tuesday:

“It’s obvious that jackass can’t take a joke and wouldn’t know a fun ride if it bit ‘em on the ass. Do you know how much shit I get because I’m Canadian? At least the Jews turn out some good comedians like Jerry Seinfeld and Adam Sandler. What do we have to show?” Bronfman asked. “All we have is Bryan Adams and a bunch of pissed off French people in Quebec who hate everyone, including themselves. How do you think it feels to be from the country that gave the world Celine fucking Dion and her 85lb head?”

Expressing his confidence in the decision making abilities and political awareness of the Universal Studios executive’s, Bronfman dismissed the boycott as a desperate cry for attention. He then went on to add that in addition to green-lighting future planned rides such as “The Killing Fields of Fun” and “Loony Platoon-y,” there would be yet more additions to the ever growing popular theme parks.

“We want people’s experiences at Universal Studios to be unforgettable,” Bronfman said. “After an exhilarating day of dodging and exchanging gunfire with Charlie, or outright slaughtering a few hundred innocent Cambodian schoolchildren over at the Killing Fields of Fun, you might feel like a snack. We’ll be offering several new ‘theme’ inspired choices for our hungry visitors. What better way to wash down our new ‘Me So Horny Corn Dog’ than with a refreshing Agent Orange soda?”

“In our Bosnian Brunchtime Pavilion, visitors can enjoy hearty meals served by homeless, starving, and orphaned refugee children. Or if you’re looking for something more exotic, you can run over to our Cuisine of Ethiopia Complex where your meal will be complemented by sweltering heat, flies, and malnourished naked people with bloated stomachs lying on the floor.”

Amidst further speculation that Universal’s theme park attractions are indeed not fun and not family oriented, Bronfman was quick to add one parting thought: “I’m rich. What the hell do I care?”


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