Employees Confused Over Office White Board Message
Published July 2004 0 Comments | Share:
Two NetStarr employees try to make sense of the words and pictures left on an office white board.
ENGLEWOOD, CO – Employees of NetStarr were alarmed and concerned last Friday by what they discovered scrolled across a white board in an office meeting room. The contents of the board were immediately speculated to contain information relative to the future of both the company and the employees.
According to witnesses, the contents of the white board consisted of a picture of a hammer type instrument, a zigzag line drawing, two large circles with smaller circles inside and four words; Thursday, snicker, allup and hoopty.
“(The information on the white board) couldn’t be more clear,” said Network Engineer Nathan Skeet. “Obviously the board of directors were having some big ass important meeting in there – you can tell because of the coffee stains and donut leftovers. Only the big wigs have meetings with donuts. They’re planning to fire all of us. The hammer? Yeah, that means they are going to give us all the hammer. It even says ‘allup’ right next to it. Everyone knows ‘allup’ means ‘fire everyone’ in Spanish. Frick man, I can’t lose this job. I have 4 kids to feed and because I’m Mormon I can’t allow my wife to work. Not that she has any skills anyways… she’s a woman for cripes sake.”
Recently, the combination of strong competition and a weak industrial market have spelled disaster for other telecom companies like NetStarr.
Last week, NetStarr’s Board of Directors voted to replace the companies Chief Executive Officer – Rachel Triver. A new CEO has yet to be named, causing NetStarr’s stock price to fall to $1.23 Monday.
“I am a little concerned yeah. I mean, first they get rid of Rachel and no one has seen her since,” said NetStarr Sales Representative, Lawrence Dent. “I think what’s on the board is the plan to get rid of her dead body. See, they used the hammer last Thursday to ‘allup’ her head. ‘Allup’ is German for ‘smash.’ So they smashed her head in and then put her in the back of their hoopty and the zigzag, yeah, that’s the map to the forest spot where they dumped the body. I bet those sick fucks did some nasty things to her body before they left, because she was pretty hot. I’d have done her if she would have ever given me the time of day.”
The white board was not erased until the cleaning crew came in late Friday.
“Honestly, I think the shit on the board was about me. I mean come on and look at it,” said Sharon Vallen. “Obviously the two circles are my tits. They have nipples on them for crying out loud. The hammer? Probably some dudes nickname for his penis. See this is what it says ‘You know that chick with the big tits (two circles). I want to take my dick (hammer) and get ‘allup’ in that. Thursday I am going to snicker her in the back of my hoopty.’ See how much sense it makes when you put it all together like that? Then again the hammer could also mean the Soviets. You know, the old hammer and sickle. Oh God, they’re selling the company to the Russians.”
Board members were unavailable for comment at press time.
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