BAGHDAD, IRAQ – The new governing council of Iraq voted unanimously Tuesday to elect a new Prime Minister: former World Wrestling Federation champion Iron Sheik. The decision came as a shock to many but remains consistent with Iraq’s new “get tougher on terrorism” campaign.
The Iron Sheik was on hand for the vote and addressed the council immediately after his election.
“It’s time for Iraq to kick ass! And to all you would be pussy-ass car bombers out there – bring it on!” said Sheik. “To all you American occupiers, get out the fuck of here! I took down Andre the Giant, I can take down you scrawny ass! First thing I do is challenge all of Iraq’s enemies to a steal cage match. First, Muqtada al-Sadr. I challenge you right now! Come and get some you bitch!”
The Iraq people welcomed the new Prime Minister despite his Iranian heritage.
“I don’t care where he come from. To me he is hope, hope that Iraq will kick ass all over the world like the Sheik did in wrestling ring,” said Aldel Saiid. “It is good to have a strong Islamic person in charge for young Iraq people to look up to. The Sheik does not run from anything. Except Hulk Hogan. But Hulk Hogan is old and in America so right not Sheik is big bear. Hey you Hulk, go eat shit and die! Ha, I just told the Hulk Hogan to die. Allah would be proud. Allah hates Hulk Hogan. Allah took Hulk Hogan’s hair and gave him little girl breasts.”
American and Coalition forces have expressed concerns about the newly appointed Prime Minister.
“Seeing the Sheik come into power isn’t really all that surprising,” said U.S Secretary of State, Gen. Colin Powell. “What is surprising is that he’s still alive. That guy was fucking crazy back in the day. And he was a famous wrestler, like what, 30 years ago? All the steroids and physical abuse must have taken their toll. I mean good lord, look at Hulk Hogan. He can barely walk and Andre the Giant… well, he is in even worse shape. Oh shit! I mean, he’s dead. Yeah, um, definitely dead. He is certainly not a spy for the U.S. in Romania. Definitely not. Dead. Dead as Elvis… who is also dead and not a spy.”
Sheik has already implemented a number of changes in Iraq and has alluded to many more.
“First rule in Iraq, I win,” Sheik said. “Second rule in Iraq, no outside help. No chairs, no tables, no garbage cans. Third rule, only the Legion of Doom may come visit Sheik in Iraqi Palace. Not Hogan, not Ultimate Warrior, only Hawk and Animal. And maybe Undertaker, if he don’t bring smelly Paul Bear. Fourth rule, Sheik get seven virgins to take care of Sheik’s daily urges. And four virgins for Legion of Doom.”