TUCSON, AZ – According to a recent report released by the White House, the violence in Mexico border towns has reached “Lethal Weapon 3” levels – the highest level of violence seen in Mexico since 1972.
The White House released the report in hopes of giving Americans a “very clear analogy as to how crazy shit is down there right now.”
“(The Department of Homeland Security) wanted to frame this report in a way that almost every American would be able to relate to immediately so naturally we decided to compare it to an action movie,” said Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano. “We gathered together in the White Hose and had a couple movie nights where we watched a couple dozen action movies until we found one that resembled what is currently happening in Mexico. We almost went with ‘Die Hard 2’ but that just didn’t feel as good as ‘Lethal Weapon 3’ feels. Watch the movie, go to Mexico and tell me we are wrong.”
The escalation of bloodshed in Mexico, largely due to a turf war between rival drug gangs, has crippled many resorts along the border as tourists from the US are easily scared and very reluctant to vacation anywhere near the violence.
“Only the white people vacation in Mexico,” said Mexico real estate developer Manuel Sanchez. “The Hispanic people know better than to come down here for vacation and black people go to Florida. But white people, they come here all of the time. But they don’t want to come here if there are people shooting and dying in the streets. White people scare very easy. Very easy. So (the Mexican government) need to get in here and make it less like ‘Lethal Weapon 3’ and more like ‘Beverly Hills Cop.’ More fun and laughing than shooting and dying.”
In an effort to help reduce the violence and stop it from spilling over the border, the White House has offered assistance and personnel to the Mexican government.
“Right now the plan is to send either Danny Glover or Mel Gibson, if not both,” said White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. “The violence along the Mexico/U.S. border has to get under control before it begins to spill over into our house. We’d send troops but they are all busy. And besides, neither Gibson or Glover are really doing anything right now so we’ll just tell them they have to go down there and take care of everything. And we know for a fact the Mexican people will respond to Gibson so we’d actually prefer that he at least makes a couple appearances.”
By calling attention to the growing problem, Napolitano is hoping the violence will begin to subside.
“What we don’t want is this to get to a ‘Rambo 3’ situation or anything out of a Quentin Taarantino film,” said Napolitano. “Those movies are just so over the top that if we get there, there might not be a way to reverse it. The ultimate goal would be to get the violence down to a James Bond level but we have to be realistic.”