MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed a number of new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” Among other things, the new laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge workers for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.
“(The Wisconsin State Senate) has done something very good today. We’ve just ensured that any company in or considering coming to Wisconsin will have employees that are… forced to work for them. I don’t want to say ‘forced’ but I can’t think of another word right now,” said state Senator Lena Taylor.
Local businesses owners are already excited about the new laws.
“It’s very expensive for me to run my business because of all my stupid slav… employees’ rights,” said local hardware store owner, Ted Baker. “I’m looking forward to making extra money by charging my slav… I mean, employees for use of the parking lot, cash register and ladders.”
The set of new laws, referred to as Substantially Lowered And deVauled Employee Services (SLAVE) laws by Gov. Walker, were designed to boost the state economy and attract companies to Wisconsin.
“I could save tens of thousands of dollars a year by paying my employees in discarded pizza and charging them for using paper towels and toilet paper,” said Lou Statinni of Lou Malnati’s Pizza in Chicago. “Or I could pay them in Lou-Bucks that can only be spent at my pizza places. It would definitely make the costs of relocating to Wisconsin worth it.”
The new laws passed the State Senate with all 19 Republicans voting for the new laws. None of the 14 Democratic Senators voted for the laws. While the vote of 19 to 14 was not enough to pass the laws, Gov. Walker signed the SLAVE act and plans on enforcing it beginning next week.
Critics of the laws – many of who are not even black – say the new legislation amounts to slavery and indentured servitude. Others say the law is “pretty fucked up” and going to make working even more of a “shit-storm.”
State Senator Rob Cowles disagrees with the critics and maintains that the new laws will only have a positive impact on more than just companies within the state. “I strongly believe the laws will also have a positive impact on the important – I’m sorry, I mean – affluent citizens.”
In response to the new laws, labor groups are working quickly to have Governor Walker recalled.
“I’m not sure exactly what the process is, but we made up some awesome flyers,” said John Graham as he passed out “Walker Recall” flyers in the parking lot of a local grocery store on a Tuesday afternoon. “People seem to be really interested, especially the elderly.”
As the recall movement struggles to gain traction – and general understanding – other states are closely watching Wisconsin to get ideas.
“Walker’s unauthorized authority and general disregard of the common citizen is truly inspiring,” exclaimed Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. “We’ve done a lot (in Arizona) to undermine general human rights but attacking blue collar workers as a whole is something we will begin looking into. Up to now we’ve really just been focused on the Mexicans.”
Up next for the Wisconsin legislature is a suite of bills that will require fundamental rights for cows in the state.
“We’ve really been neglecting the rights of the cows,” said Walker. “We need to stop treating them like blue collar workers and give them the respect they deserve. Without them, we have nothing.”