Online Reviewer Close to Completing Next Yelp Review

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BROOKLYN, NY – It’s been nearly three days since he ate lunch at Ravenwood Tavern, but Tearstin Wilkes says he is close to completing his Yelp review of the restaurant.

“I’m pretty proud of this (Yelp review) so far. I just have to make sure it lands,” said Wilkes. “I don’t want to just throw something up there. People that know my reviews expect a certain amount of narrative flare with just the right amount of history, perspective, and of course, my trademark humor. (The review for the Ravenwood Tavern) is close but it’s just not quite there yet. It’s just missing… something in the third act. I’m not sure what yet. I’ve tried a few things but it’s just not right. But it will be up soon. Real soon.”

Wilkes, who is a freelance writer, says that is typically takes him two days to complete a Yelp review but he has had a difficult time putting together a complete review for the Ravenwood Tavern.

“It took me awhile to pull together the perspective for this review,” said Wilkes. “I originally planned on writing this from the P.O.V., you probably didn’t know but that means ‘point of view,’ but I was at first going to write it from the P.O.V. of my cat. I imagined my cat watching me get ready for dinner then leaving without her and her following me to the restaurant and watching me from the window and then following me back home. I thought that would be a real solid take on the review but it just wasn’t coming together. So I ended up writing it from the perspective of my Pumas. Pumas are shoes, in case you didn’t know that either. I mean it’s essentially the same P.O.V, but a little different. You know what I mean?”

Wilkes’ friends, who are also freelance writers, have been looking forward to Wilkes Ravenwood Tavern review.

“I wouldn’t say I’ve been waiting with bated breath to read the review but I’m curious to see where he goes with it,” said Wilkes friend Sa’arah Hopple. “I had my review of The Sandwiching Hour up days ago and I was there while (Wilkes) was at the Ravenwood. I don’t know what’s taking him so long. But I did accuse him of coping my style last week so maybe he’s trying something new. The review I did for The Sandwiching Hour was based on the poem by Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath. You probably haven’t read it but I’ve liked that poem since I first read it when I was four and The Sandwiching Hour had an artisanal peanut butter and rosemary-fennel-dragonfruit jam sandwich that reminds me of when I was a kid back in Indiana.”

The owners of the Ravenwood Tavern said they are unfamiliar with Wilkes’ reviews but look forward to reading the review, assuming it’s a positive review.

“I hope it’s a positive review but I’m at the point where I just don’t care about (Yelp) reviews,” said Gary Manakin, owner of the Ravenwood Tavern. “They’re nice and all, but to try and cater to these assholes every night is exhausting. But good for (Wilkes). If he’s found what makes him happy, all the power to him. I mean I’ve got my restaurant and if he had his little online world where he’s the king of shit mountain, good for him. Personally, I wish Yelp would just go away because it’s the biggest scam in the world. I mean a website that basically extorts money from businesses in order to suppress bar reviews is full of shit. But I mean whatever makes (reviewers like Wilkes) happy.”

Despite the pressures that are mounting for him, Wilkes is confident that this will be his greatest review ever.

“This is the one that is really going to define new as a reviewer,” Wilkes said. “Before this I would have said that my crowning achievement was my review of the McDonald’s on 32nd Street, but this… This is going to be it. When people think about online restaurant reviews, this one and maybe Bart Jacebsons’ review of the Timberline Tavern in Flagstaff, Az. Have you read that one? Holy shit, it’s brilliant. He wrote it from the perspective of the food. Who does that? Bart Jacebsons does, that’s who.”


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