KIRKLAND, WA – A local barista informed customers and coworkers that he has almost completed his film script.
Trevor Goullulli, barista at Perk Me Up Coffee, has been working on his script for 10 years, giving frequent updates to all customers and coworkers.
“Everyone at the coffee shop, my barista buddies, that’s what I call my coworkers, my barista buddies, and all of my regs, that’s what I call my regular customers, are always asking me about my script so it feels really good to finish it,” said Goullulli. “I mean, it’s not, like 100 percent complete, more like 99.9999 percent. I need to re-write a few scenes, like, there’s this one scene that I had this great idea for where this vampire comes in, well, it’s not a literal vampire it’s more metaphorical and obtuse than just an actual vampire, you know? I mean, I don’t want give it all away, but it’s fucking crazy.”
Goullulli is reluctant to discuss the details of his script as he is concerned that his ideas may be stolen.
“To be honest, I don’t want to discuss my script with you because you will put my ideas out there and ne’er-do-wells may straight up steal them, do you know what that term means? Ne’er-do-wells? Anyway… I’d rather not tell you what it’s about but I will say it’s like ‘Naked Lunch’ meets ‘The Godfather’ meets ‘Spiderman 3’ meets ‘Blue Velvet.’ It’s really intellectual so a lot of people won’t get it but that’s fine. I didn’t write this for all the dumb-dumbs out there? I am making something original and unique so all the people that just sit around and watch ‘Big Bang Theory’ ain’t gonna get it. You know what I mean?” said Goullulli.
According to Goullulli’s coworker Britney Clemonte, Goullulli’s script, tentatively titled “The Ghost Who Wanted to Die,” is about a young barista who may or may not be a ghost.
“You know, I’m not really sure what it’s about even though (Goullulli) has been talking about it all day, every day for, like, ever. Literally forever,” said Clemonte. “But I guess it’s about a barista that is a ghost and then he may not be a ghost but he wants to die because of issues with his mother who is also a ghost but then there is a coworker at the coffee shop that the main ghost wants to get with but then… wait. Is the coworker about me? Anyway, I guess there’s going to be a vampire in it now? Shit, I don’t know. It all sounds like a bunch of ‘Sixth Sense’ bullshit to me.”
Goullulli says he will be sending his now completed script to a former customer that now lives in Los Angeles.
“I mean, as soon as I work out the whole vampire thing, I’m going to send it out to this guy that I used to make a double low-caff half-espresso with almond milk,” said Goullulli. “I’m also toying with the idea adding in a love pentagonal, but we’ll see. I mean, I like the idea of it but I really don’t know how to get all of the characters into the Cave of Wonders at the same time. But I think I can figure it out. I mean, I am an auteur.“
Despite the fact that Goullulli’s script is “done,” many of his co-workers don’t believe that he will ever truly be done.
“Really, I think that (Goullulli) likes the idea of being a screenwriter more than he’ll actually like being a filmmaker,” said Clemonte. “Seriously, even when he says he’s done, he starts to talk about all of these changes that he wants to do. And wow, these changes sound even worse than the shit he’s told me before. Yesterday he was literally talking about time travel. I just don’t get it. Hopefully it takes off, because I really don’t want to work with him anymore.”